10 The pi Shop
The restaurant business is notoriously difficult to get right. A new opening on the Doha scene needs to have an original concept as well as good food and clean cutlery. So here’s one – The pi Shop (as in, the pi that helps you measure the circumference of a circle). It will sell only circular food – pizzas, pies, unsliced cakes, doughnuts, onion rings, pancakes and anything you like, as long as it has no corners.
Doha’s hottest new lounge will have an exclusive door policy and VIP-only tables. Amid the animal-print chairs and safari-themed art, diners will be locked in cages without menus. The food, instead, will be sold to non-VIP customers who feed the premium paying guests through the bars and snap pictures of them from the other side of the luxury wall.
Single dish restaurants have taken foodie circles by storm. Cafés and diners that sell nothing other than different styles of breakfast cereal, toast, eggs or lobster are certain to give you that essential opening buzz. Most of the good foods have been taken already, but the humble blancmange is waiting to take the world by storm. Versatile, mouldable, multi-coloured and with traceable roots in half a dozen different cuisines, it’s the next hipster food just waiting to
It will serve any food, as long as it’s sloppy. Because chewing is just too much effort for some people. Mashed potatoes fused with truffle oil, mushy peas with mint reduction, sticky wings served without napkins – this will be a restaurant for people who like to get their hands in and dirty with their meal.
6 Chow 4 Miaow
Doha’s first fine-dining experience for cats will have only the finest cuts of wagyu steak, imported milk and mouse on the bone. Cat owners will have the plates of food served to them on their lap in deep, comfortable
sofas and their felines will be encouraged to hop up and steal morsels from the plate.
Red and white gingham tablecloths, retro art on the walls, familiar foods and uniformed staff. It all sounds quite pleasant doesn’t it? But this hipster haven will see it all through the irony-tinted spectacles of the permanently bemused. The uniforms will be from discontinued burger chains of the 1970s, the food will be served up in the style of a school dinner, art prints will be Soviet era propaganda posters. Spoons will be given out to any customers who need a knife.
Offensively expensive versions of dishes you know for a fact cost just a few hundred fils to prepare will be served at this European import. Gourmet mac ’n’ cheese, foie gras hot dogs, baked beans on toast with beluga caviar, panda’s milk milkshakes and saffron and chips will be among the favourites. Because it has the name of a quadruple-Michelin-starred chef attached to it, punters will hand over troughs of cash to eat it up.
The opposite of Poché, this restaurant will serve what should be extremely expensive foods at modest high street prices. Tinned truffles, microwaved soufflé and oysters in a squeezable tube are all the types of budget-conscious versions of swanky dishes that will be served at this low-market, high-aspiration eatery. The dress code is imitation designer gear.
2 The Old-fashioned TV Dinner Company
With just the right combination of kitsch novelty, retro idealism and comfort food cosiness, this could actually work. There will be no tables here, but diners will be given a tray, their share of a sofa or armchair and a menu featuring TV repeats as well as old-school dishes. Haven’t we all wanted to put our feet up and watch The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air re-runs while eating fish finger sandwiches instead of going through the fine-dining rigmarole?
1 Hunter & Gatherer
After paying an entrance fee, diners will be able to eat whatever they can forage for themselves inside the perilous environment. Instead of delivering food, waiters will release predators, cast doubts over whether berries are poisonous or not and generally do their best to protect the food supply.
Will Milner is a regular contributor. He made up all these up, but wouldn’t be surprised if one of them exists… Somewhere…